oh, the names we carry!
I’ve been thinking a lot lately about all the names that I have carried. Some I wear like a badge of honour, while others feel almost like stains that I scrub and scrub away at, but can never fully remove. Some names were given to me as terms of endearment, unique signifiers, marking a special bond or characteristic. Other names were said more carelessly, out of childish emotion, or quickly tossed about without thought of how they would cling and burn into me.
And then we have the names that have been self-given. The names I have called myself, have said about myself, and have used to explain my unique way in the world.
Our relationship to the names we call ourselves- this theme has risen up, and overtaken my preoccupation lately. In beginning to write down what has been swirling in my mind, I realized this topic is very alive in me, it's still quite raw, there are some fresh cuts to some very old wounds. Wounds that I have been grieving for quite some time. My friends, I am working this out as I write.
Our relationship to our names:
You get called a hateful word- that on your better days, you are able to reject
You get called a word that you love and you work at receiving it wholeheartedly.
But… what happens when you get called a name that is both deeply true and also hurtful. One that is far more complicated.
I think we all might be aware of some of the names that we have received or said about ourselves that were clearly lies, but what do we do with the names that hold both truth and hurt?
What about the names that we have a love/hate relationship with?
I think about the name daughter, and memories come flooding, of being cared for, protected, and nurtured when I was a young child. But that name hasn’t meant those things for me in a very long time. Losing my dad, and becoming my mom’s caregiver flipped that script, and changed my relationship to that part of myself. That name brings feelings of grief and loss, and nostalgia intermingled now.
Another area of naming that is quite sensitive for many is in the spiritual realm. My relationship with the name Christian has changed a lot in the last few years. It’s definitely a love/ hate relationship now. I have grown up with that name, and have a deep affection for many in my life that still name themselves by it. Sometimes I don't want to name myself Christian because of the shame I feel when I see people using that name to perpetuate hate, separation, and harm. I have found pockets within that name where I have found love, acceptance, and different access points to the spiritual Love I encounter in the world. It is a name I hold with an ever-shifting definition.
The name that I am probably most sensitive to is disabled, my relationship with that name has shifted my entire life. (For those who don’t know I have Erb’s Palsy, a brachial plexus injury incurred at birth, leaving my right arm with limited movement, little strength, and stunted size) Over my life, I have had every feeling under the sun using the name, “disabled”. I have hated using that name, I have loved identifying with my difference, I have hidden that part of me, and I have championed that aspect. I have been called that name out of pity, and out of an attempt to hurt, and so it sometimes carries this energy of a mean, degrading comment.
And yet I deeply love this part of myself that makes me unique and touch with a different perspective of life. It’s a complicated name that I am navigating every day of my life.
What do we do with all of these names?
The names we have unconsciously held and keep holding on to
The names we have a love/hate relationship with
I don’t know that we can just get rid of them (as much as we might want to). How do we find our way through?
What does it look like to hold complex names?
Can we reclaim names that have caused harm?
I’d like to invite you to join me in this exploration of names, knowing that I don’t have this neatly packaged up. I hope to dig deeper into some of these complex names that we hold, and our relationship to them. I don’t know exactly where this exploration is going, but I’m inviting you to investigate this topic with me as I unpack it.
As I continue to flesh out what names feel important to unpack in this series I’d love to hear from you!
What names have you had a complicated relationship with?
What names are you wondering if you want to reclaim?
What names are you looking to release power from?
What wounds are you identifying that need some care?
And my friends, this deep, dark grief work can often feel lonely and endless, and so I am reminded of the necessity for attending to our basic needs. I was literally reminded just as I typed this, by my kitten as she crawled her way into my lap, her head pushing my hands from the keys to seek affection. Her interruption saying to me, I need you to stop and just love me.
The guided meditation this month is an invitation to stop and just love yourself.
